| God’s servant must not be argumentative, but a
gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who
refuse to obey. You never know when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a
turning to the truth. --2 Timothy 2: 24-25 (The Message) |
"Do I have to do this assignment?" The question came from a
notoriously strong-willed student with a reputation for being a troublemaker. Her eyes
flashed an unmistakable challenge: just try and make me. I gave her a casual
glance.
"No," I replied. "You don’t have to do it." She couldn’t
hide her surprise.
"You mean I get an ‘A’ and I don’t have to do it?" she asked
incredulously. I shook my head.
"No, you get an ‘F’—but you don’t have to do it." She
frowned, shrugged her shoulders and went back to her seat. In moments, she had begun work
on the assignment. She just wanted to let me know she could get an ‘F’ if she
wants to. That’s right. She always has a choice.
No one knows that better than I do. I have been a "Strong-Willed Child" all
my life, and I know you never grow out of it. That’s actually a good
thing—especially if you understand just what being strong-willed really means.
The Up Side
For years, there has been a certain stigma attached to that term, a belief that if a
child is labeled "Strong-Willed," he or she is automatically rebellious, defiant
or disobedient, but I’d like to change that perception. Strong will can be the most
positive attribute a child or adult can have. After all, that strength of conviction, the
determination and persistence that a Strong-Willed individual possesses is what we need in
order to change the world. The years I spent as a teacher brought me hundreds of students
who were labeled troublemakers, smart-alecks, and worse. Frankly, they were my favorite
kids. They were bright, intuitive, creative and just a bit obnoxious. They thought school
was boring. So did I, and I was the teacher! They asked blunt questions like "Why are
we doing this?" and "Why can’t I do it a different way?" They loudly
complained that homework was a waste of time and life was too short for boring,
repetitious drills. True, those kids were inconvenient—but they also kept me on my
toes. I had to keep thinking and dreaming and creating ways to effectively communicate if
I really wanted to teach all kinds of learners.
In my book You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be
Persuaded), I quote Dr. Peter Breggin in his book War Against Children:
| Dr. Breggin said that Newsweek had
asked the questions: "Where are the great thinkers of the ‘90s? Where are the
Freuds, the Einsteins, the Picassos?" Dr. Breggin then responded with a sobering
thought: "What if we’re medicating them?" |
When you think about, some of the greatest men and women of all time
were probably the most inconvenient and frustrating children to their parents and
teachers. They would have fit most if not all of the symptoms of many learning disorders,
especially Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.). But the fact is, they changed the world in
very significant ways.
Identifying the SWC
The at-risk programs are overflowing with candidates who struggle in traditional
classrooms. A.D.D. and similar learning disorders are being diagnosed so rapidly that the
cases are multiplying faster than most schools can dispense the daily doses of medication.
There is no doubt in my mind that there are some children with very legitimate
physiological and neurological disorders. But if a child with a bona fide disability is
placed with ten other children who simply have exhibited inconvenient or downright bad
behavior, that child will not receive the help he or she truly needs.
How can you tell whether you are dealing with a Strong-Willed Child (SWC)? Here’s
a quick quiz to test your own level of strong-will well as helping you recognize it in
others. You may be a bit surprised to find out that you or someone you know is more
strong-willed than you thought. After all, you probably thought it meant all those
negative things (rebellion, defiance, etc.). When you get the positive perspective, you
may discover that you actually enjoy those strong-willed students more than some of the
compliant ones. The challenge may be great, but the payoff is greater.
Checking Your SWC Quotient
Mark only those statements that are true almost 100% of
the time:
The Strong-Willed Child (SWC)…
___ almost never accepts words like "impossible" or
phrases like "it can’t be done."
___ can move with lightning speed from being a warm, loving presence to being a cold,
immovable force.
___ may argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground
the point will go.
___ when bored has been known to create a crisis than have a day go by without
incident.
___ considers rules to be more like guidelines (i.e. As long as I’m abiding by the
"spirit of the law", why are you being so picky?)
___ shows great creativity and resourcefulness—seems to always find a way to
accomplish a goal
___ doesn’t do things simply because "you’re supposed to" --it has
to matter personally.
___ refuses to obey unconditionally—always seems to have a few terms of
negotiation before complying.
___ is not afraid to try the unknown--to conquer the unfamiliar (although each SWC
chooses his or her own risks, they all seem to possess the confidence to try new things).
___ can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive
ultimatum.
___ may not actually apologize, but almost always makes things right.
Your score: How Much Strong Will Do You Have?
0-3 You’ve got it, but you don’t use it much.
4-7 You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.
8-10 You’ve got a very healthy strong will it, but you can back off when you want
to.
11 You don’t leave home without it—and it’s almost impossible to not use
it. |
Wielding Authority Wisely
I have talked to hundreds of Strong-Willed Children (of all ages), and all of us appear
to agree on several issues very consistently. Understanding one of the most important ones
can help tremendously in the classroom:
We don’t have trouble with authority—we have trouble with how you communicate
your authority.
Even the strongest-willed individuals I talked to agreed that we want our parents
and teachers to establish and maintain authority. We know we shouldn’t be allowed to
get by with bad behavior or escape the consequences of wrongdoing. But we don’t want
you to simply be "the boss," telling us what to do and not do. We don’t
respond well when you issue orders to obeyed without question. We want to be treated with
respect, and you may be amazed at how much easier it is to elicit our cooperation when you
ask for it politely. Instead of saying, "You sit down there and stop talking right
now," a more effective statement would be "I need you to sit down and stop
talking right now." If you speak firmly yet kindly, we will respect your authority
much more than if you simply speak loudly and insist we do everything you say. You
don’t negotiate from a position of weakness or plead with us—you operate from a
position of strength because you recognize that we always exercise ultimate control by
choosing to take the consequences for disobeying. Let me share two quick stories from my
book:
Respect is definitely a
two-way street. If the teacher recognizes and appreciates the strengths of a SWC, that SWC
probably won’t pose much of a discipline problem. But when a teacher fails to
appreciate individual strengths or insists on a rigid and inflexible code of conduct most
of the trouble begins. A classic example:
Josh is a fun-loving SWC in the third grade. His teacher, Mrs. Jones, is very
strict—a by-the-book disciplinarian. One afternoon during recess, a mischief-maker
sneaked into the classroom and turned every student desk backwards. When Mrs. Jones and
her class came in, she immediately issued the command. "All right, children, I want
you to turn your desks around at once." Every child except Josh quickly turned his or
her desk to face the front of the room again.
Josh, after pausing a moment, turned her desk around—all the way around and sat
with her back to the teacher. Mrs. Jones could have quickly diffused the situation if she
really understood how Josh’s mind works. She would have said something like,
"Oh, that’s cute, Josh—`nice to see your back’…." And gone
on teaching. It would only take a few moments while Josh was getting a few laughs for him
to turn his desk around and join the rest of the class. Unfortunately, that’s not how
it went.
Mrs. Jones was furious. She pointed her finger toward Josh and said, "That’s
enough, young man! You turn your desk around and face me this instant or you
are on your way to the principal’s office!" The ultimatum had been issued, and
Josh simply shrugged and walked out of the room to the principal’s office.
I’m not advocating letting kids get by with smart-mouth comments that are
inappropriate. But Josh wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. He struggled all year with
Mrs. Jones. He knew how to push her buttons, and she repaid him with nothing but anger and
punishment. It didn’t have to be that way
Knowing Your Flock
Contrast Josh’s experience to Katherine’s. Katherine was a
troubled thirteen-year-old SWC who had barely survived her parents’ divorce. She had
been a pretty good kid up to now, but adolescence was hitting her hard. Junior high was a
dramatic contrast to elementary school, and the mix of home problems and new social
circumstances at school was proving to be too much. She began to experiment with a little
alcohol, a little sex, a few drugs. Her mom was frantic, but was struggling to just keep
her own life together.
Katherine began to spiral out of control. Her grades plummeted, her choice of friends
caused her family distress, and she defied her mother at every turn. Enter Mrs. Adams.
Mrs. Adams was a quiet, unassuming junior high school teacher who truly loved kids. Right
away she spotted Katherine, and made her a special project. Katherine told me a few years
later that Mrs. Adams made all the difference in the world when it came to her surviving
school. Here was a teacher who was a tough disciplinarian, who held her students to a high
academic standard, and yet Katherine did whatever she asked her to do.
Why? Mrs. Adams told Katherine how much she loved the way her mind works. She looked
for ways Katherine could be successful without having to conform to traditional methods.
She commiserated with Katherine about some of the class requirements that seemed boring or
irrelevant. Katherine said later how much it meant to know that Mrs. Adams would hold her
accountable, but would never embarrass her or make her feel small.
Katherine began to stay after school voluntarily, helping Mrs. Adams and talking to her
for hours. She actually did her homework, because Mrs. Adams was firm about Katherine
getting her work out of the way before she enjoyed any leisure time. Katherine usually
didn’t want to go home, but Mrs. Adams would gently nudge her out, telling her how
much she looked forward to seeing her the next day. By the end of ninth grade, Katherine
had decided she wanted to be a teacher, and Mrs. Adams was already helping her plan her
strategy for conquering college and beginning her career.
When I first met Katherine a few years ago, she was in her fourth year of teaching
seventh and eighth grade math. She said she loved teaching, but she especially loved
getting all the kids that none of the other teachers wanted. She winked and said, I think
Mrs. Adams would have liked it that way, too !"
Many of the SWCs you deal with in your classroom have already exhausted the patience of
their parents. They’ve irritated and annoyed their families until it seems like no
one is particularly happy to see them. This gives you as a teacher an awesome and
wonderful responsibility. What if you are the only adult in that student’s life who
truly values and respects that strong will? What if it’s the relationship with you
that helps direct that independent heart and indomitable spirit to change the world? It
does take more time and effort, but not as much as you think. Most of us SWCs are just
waiting for someone to show the slightest bit of interest, and we’ll jump at the
chance to let you know how we think and what makes us tick. Life is too short to
constantly battle with those SWC students. If you can begin to understand the inner
workings of an SWC’s mind, you may hold the key to his or her heart. It sure beats
knocking down the door!
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