Is It Too Late?
Excerpted from You Can’t Make Me!
(But I Can Be Persuaded), by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. Published by Waterbrook Press,
1999.
She was probably in her late fifties, and she was crying as she approached
me after one of my Strong-Willed Child seminars.
"I did everything wrong," she sobbed. "I did and said all those things
to my daughter that you just told us won’t work." She took a deep breath and
began to explain how she had tried to "bully" her daughter into submission,
frequently using threats and severe punishment. "My daughter is grown now," she
said sadly, "and she’s working as an attorney in California. She returns all of
my letters unopened, and refuses to communicate with me in any way. How can I even tell
her how sorry I am?"
Unfortunately, this mother’s plight is like dozens of other parents I have spoken
to over the years. So many who tell me essentially the same thing: "Where were you
twenty years ago?" "It’s too late now—my Strong-Willed Child is
grown." "Why didn’t I know this when I could still do something about
it?"
It’s Never Too Late to Say You’re Sorry
The fact is, you can do something about it. It’s never too late, as long as
both you and your SWC are living, to begin the process of healing your relationship. For
this particular mother, the solution turned out to be mailing the video tape called "Who’s
Gonna Make Me?"* to her daughter with a brief, boldly lettered note on the
outside that read: "Here’s what I did wrong—I’m sorry."
She and I both agreed there was a good chance her SWC attorney-daughter would find it
hard to resist the urge to at least take a look at what her mother claimed was an
admission of guilt. Once the ice was broken, perhaps they could both talk about the past
in less personal terms. I also reminded this mother that she did not have to apologize for
the outcomes she had desired—self-discipline, good manners, personal
responsibility. Her apology was for how she often demanded those outcomes were achieved.
Parents of SWCs who are teenagers seem especially troubled when they find out how
different things could have been if they had known more about how the SWC mind works.
There are many perils in parenting adolescents, and understanding the SWC’s reasons
for behavior and misbehavior can greatly reduce the areas of conflict. Is it too
late for a rebellious teenager to begin to get along with her parents?
Jim Fay and Foster Cline , in their book, Parenting With Love and Logic,
gives us some reassurance:
It usually takes one month of love-and-logic parenting to undo one year of tacky
parenting. So, if your child is twelve years old, give yourself twelve months to help him
or her learn responsible thinking. …It’s never too late…The important thing
is to build a relationship with our kids that will last a lifetime—long past the end
of the teenage years. And it is never too late to work on that.**
Help If You Feel You’ve "Blown It"
If you are feeling like you "blew it" and wish you could have another chance
to improve the communication between you and your SWC, I’ve collected a few tips from
my SWC prodigal friends to give you some ideas for bringing them back.
1. Start leaving notes. Point out what you like, what you appreciate.
Thank your SWC for something; give praise for a good idea. Even a quick sticky note on a
bedroom door can speak volumes. If your SWC has left home, send notes in a greeting card
or occasional small gifts.
2. Apologize for insisting on always doing things your way. Explain the
outcomes your were trying to achieve and let your SWC know you are open to other
suggestions for achieving the same goal.
3. Don’t let your SWC scare you away or make you angry. Hang in
there! Let us rant and rave if we must, but you remain unmoved when it comes to
offering your love. We may tell you there’s no hope; we may claim we hate you; we may
insist all is lost. But do not believe it! We just have to make sure you won’t
actually give up on us.
4. Be consistent. We SWCs will watch for a "chink in the
armor." We’ll be suspicious that your new attitude won’t last. Try to
enlist the help of another family member and use a code word or phrase. When you are
talking to your SWC and your team member hears things begin going downhill, they can say
the code phrase and alert you to what’s happening.
5. Find a way to reconnect. If your SWC has left home, try
re-establishing contact by sending a copy of this book to your SWC with a note similar to
the one in the beginning of this chapter. By mentioning that the contents may explain what
you did wrong, two things can happen: 1) your SWC may be intrigued enough to read it; 2)
your SWC may realize what he or she did wrong as well.
6. Pray. Many SWCs have told me they were compelled by God to return
home, certain the prayers of their family brought them back. While your SWC is at home,
pray together whenever possible. Let your child hear you talking to God about your
relationship, especially when you’re thanking Him for giving you such a great kid. Be
specific with God regarding what you like about your SWC. Those prayers can also help
remind you what you like when the stress level is high!
*The video Who’s Gonna Make Me? is available through our web site. Another
great option is to send a copy of Cynthia’s newest book, You Can’t Make Me! (But
I Can Be Persuaded)—also available on the web site: www.applest.com .
**From the book Parenting With Love and Logic, by Jim Fay and Foster
Cline—available along with many other fine products on the web site www.loveandlogic.com .
Apple St., LLC P.O. Box 1450, Sumner WA 98390
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