Talking to Your
Children About War
Basic Guidelines for All Learning Styles
By Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, M.Ed.
*Make sure your children know what you believe
This is not the time to simply let
your children discover beliefs for themselves. Use a calm and sincere voice to communicate
to them the principles that guide your life. For young children, keep it very simple (i.e.
"We try to live in a way that helps others. We try always to tell the truth and not
to hurt anyone. Sometimes bad people step in and do very bad things. The good people have
to make sure the bad guys don’t keep hurting others. We belong to a country that
works to protect all of us from the bad guys. Mommy and Daddy are going to do whatever we
can to help the good guys win. The first thing we will always do is protect you and keep
you safe. ") Don’t give too many details or try to explain specific political or
religious views if it will only serve to confuse your child. For older children, let them
tell you how much they want to know by listening to the questions they ask or the comments
they make. At an appropriate time, ask each child individually, "Do you know what Mom
and Dad believe when it comes to war?" Don’t push them to listen—wait until
they seem ready to hear what you have to say.
*Don't tell your children
more than they want to know unless you're sure they're ready.
Depending on the age of your children and where you
live, they may not be interested in knowing many details about what’s going on in the
world right now. Obviously, the children in New York will show much more interest in the
terrorist attacks than children on the other side of the country. Although all children
should have opportunities to learn these vivid and personal history lessons, sometimes
giving them too much information will simply increase anxiety and create a sense of
insecurity. Help your children preserve normal routines as much as possible, responding to
their questions or comments as the opportunities present themselves naturally.
*Answer your children's questions
honestly, but you don’t have to answer every question.
Be honest with your children—our nation has never had to face a challenge exactly
like this one before. Express your faith in our country and offer to try and find answers
to specific questions beyond your knowledge or expertise. Encourage older children to find
resources that can provide the information they need, and praise them for their efforts.
Let your children know you don’t have all the answers, but you are always willing to
listen to and address their questions. Take their concerns seriously, even if some seem a
little ridiculous to you. Whenever possible, don’t discourage them from talking about
what they are thinking.
*Always reinforce your love and appreciation for each child.
It has been an overwhelming and devastating
introduction to war for all of us. Many parents have found ourselves mesmerized by the
television and radio news, unable to carry out normal routines. It is difficult to talk of
things other than current events, and our lives have, in many ways, been altered
drastically. As adults, we recognize what is happening, and are doing what we have to do
in order to adjust. Our children, however, do not have the same perspective. They live
more in their own world than the real one, and much of what they learn and understand is
within the context of their families, their schools and their churches. Suddenly the
adults in their lives have become very preoccupied. The landscape is shifting and
especially the younger children are puzzled by the sometimes absent-minded way their
parents are going through the motions of daily life. There is an air of tension, a sense
of fear and foreboding, and children are among the first to tune in. Make a conscious
effort every day to remind each child of your love, your protection, and your
availability. Tell them how blessed you are to have them, and look for opportunities to
point out the specific things you like about them. In the end, you are their anchor, their
safe harbor. Don’t let them drift away!
Some Specific Ways to Address Dominant Learning Styles
For the Auditory Learners:
They need to hear themselves talk about what
they're thinking; they need to hear the rhythm and sounds of words and phrases. If you are
not particularly auditory yourself, try to be patient with your child’s need to
almost constantly chatter. Be prepared to hear the same question asked several
times—the auditory child needs to keep hearing himself say something until it is
understood.
For the Visual Learners:
They need to see pictures or draw their own; they
need to be able to visualize in their minds what they are thinking. The visual child may
be repeatedly drawn to the pictures of the tragedy, wanting to see the same pictures over
and over until it sinks in.
For the Kinesthetic Learners:
They need to stay moving; they often need to
take in and express their thoughts while doing something else. Walk with them, talk with
them--they will probably want to actively do something about what they are
thinking. Look for ways your kinesthetic child can constructively use her
energy—running errands, fundraising, etc.
For the More Analytic Learners:
Too much information at once can be overwhelming. Help them break it down into
manageable pieces and deal with one thing at a time. They usually prefer learning
independently to group discussion, so provide appropriate written and media resources and
don’t push too soon for a spoken response.
For the More Global
(Big Picture) Learners:
They need to know how everything fits into the big picture. Help them put the war in
context with their lives. How will this affect them or those they care about? What can
they personally do to understand and participate? They will usually want to talk to you
about it before they read or study the concepts.
There are many more pieces to this puzzle when it comes to identifying and appreciating
each child’s learning style strengths. This is a very brief introduction. For many
more quick and practical insights and strategies, we suggest you read the following books
by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias:
Every Child Can Succeed: Making the Most of Your Child’s Learning Style.
Colo. Springs, CO: Focus on the Family, 1995.
The Way They Learn: How To Discover and Teach to Your Child's Strengths.
Colo. Springs, CO: Focus on the Family, 1994.
You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bringing Out the
Best in Your Strong-Willed Child.
Colo. Springs: Waterbrook Press, 1999.
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